My brother-in-law and I were talking about finding yourself and I told him that I recently decided to find myself so I started a blog and joined Pinterest. Funny. But true.
Here is the back story, a little about who I am and where I am now:
In 2009 I found myself four month pregnant and feeling completely hopeless. I had come to the selfish realization that I would be giving up myself completely for the baby boy in my womb. I would give up my active, slim, trim body to house his growing body. I would give up the whole ski season, rock climbing, and had already had to give up the wake boarding season. I would give up mytime to care for him. I would give up my job and career to be home with him; thus, giving up my extracurricular spending money. In my mind there was a lot I was going to be giving up and frankly, the payoff wasn’t going to be worth it.
Then, one day I was sitting in church and I read in the bible John Chapter 15 verses 13 and 17 “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends…..These things I command you, that ye love one another.” In that instance my whole body filled with the deepest love for the little being growing in me. If Christ commands that we love one another and the greatest love that I can give is to give my life for my baby then I would try my best to do that.
In 2010 I was blessed to welcome that baby boy into my arms and man, I just love that kid.
Two years later we welcomed our daughter Andie into our lives. I love both of my children so fully that some days I am just amazed that this frail human body of mine has the ability to feel so much. Yet with all the good experiences and feelings have come equally bad experiences and feelings.
My body was/is physically messed up from giving birth. There was depression so deep that I didn’t want to get up in the morning, there were emotional roller coasters wreaking havoc on my marriage. And yes there was even moments of resentment. While I love being a mom and feel so much reward from being with my children it doesn’t always make it easy.
Over the past three years I feel that I have lost a little bit of who I am in being a mom. It wasn’t always a constant thing, there were moments of Heather peeking through, but somehow I just couldn’t find the right balance.
It is so silly to me that I gave up on being myself to be a mom. No one asked me to, and in fact things would probably have been a little easier, and a heck of a lot more fun, for the past three years had I not.
Now we’re up to the present. I’m a 26 year-old fly mamma of a toddler and a new baby, who doesn’t feel that she knows quite who she is any more. A mama who wants to try harder every day to be a better person, more involved, more seeking, more happy. A mama who is feeling mentally healthy and well, who loves her children more than life and wants to do all in her power to bring them the most amazing life they can get.
Have any of you ever felt lost as you entered new phases in life? Please share.
* UPDATE. I just want to clear up any possible misconceptions about what I have written and what this “quest” if you will, is all about. I am a happy person and I am really happy with my life. I do know I am a pretty good person and a pretty good mom but there is always room for improvement and change. Just because I am generally satisfied with my life, every aspect of my life and every day lived in my life isn’t puppies and rainbows. Being a mother is important and I am grateful for the opportunity I have to be a part of my children’s lives. This quest to “find myself” is not about some downer pity party about me not having enough “time, money, mental capacity, etc” to partake in my own hobbies; it is about my change and growth and finding what really makes me happy in all facets of our life, emotional, social, physical, tactile and cultural. And I want to find the best way to integrate who I am into our family, to show my children the value of motherhood and individuality within a family.
Anyway thanks everyone for reading! And thank you for all of the wonderful comments. I love to hear from you. I just don’t want anyone to worry that you need to talk me off of any ledges or anything, I am ‘aight. But your loving encouraging comments are always welcome.