After one particularly hard day about a year ago I tucked the children into their beds, and then went to my room completely out of energy. I had nothing left to give to that day. I climbed into my bed at 8:30 and then my world collapsed around me. I began to think about how hard motherhood was, how I was inadequate in many ways and how sick I was of feeling as though life was so hard to deal with. I pulled my knees to my chest in the fetal position and began to sob. I prayed that God would just let me die. My mantra became ” I just want to die. I just want to die.” I thought, “If I just don’t wake up I could finally be at peace.”
My husband was at work and I sent him a heartbreaking message telling him how I couldn’t do it anymore, how hard my life was and how I just didn’t want to exist any more. He was shocked, I don’t think he quite knew how to respond. I imagine that many people do not know how to respond to a situation like that. It must be hard thinking you are trying your best to build a happy family life and yet your spouse simply wishes they didn’t have to live another day. Kyle assured me of his love for me, and reminded me that I can do hard things. He also encouraged me to go see a doctor and counselor, which was all I wanted, I had many days where I just though “I wish someone would take my hand and make a doctor appointment for me, and help me fix what I am unable to fix.”
I am not alone in these feelings, many people suffering from depression have thoughts of suicide on a regular basis, or at least think about the release of death. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints just released a Mormon Message this week titled “Sitting on the Bench: Thoughts on Suicide Prevention.”
This is an honest film about suicide and I feel so grateful that depression is becoming an open subject.
That week, a year ago, I got an appointment with my doctor, to begin antidepressants and scheduled an appointment with a therapist. It is miraculous for me to feel now, only one year later, that I am recovering from depression. I do have bad days, a similar episode happened only one month ago, so things aren’t perfect but I know there are people who love me and people who support me and rely on me and my life here is valuable.
My hope is that we may all try our best to be a little more compassionate, a little more understanding and little more free with our love and kindness towards others, because you may never know who needs your help.
* I do need to mention that my mother in-law was my angle through this whole time. She was there to tend for my kids when I simply could not do it. She was there for me to cry to when things were too hard. I will always feel supremely indebted to her for her efforts in helping my and my children make it through my toughest of times.