Monthly Archives: June 2013

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Take it Easy


Kacen stood next to the bed half listening to my rebuke of his behavior. I was carrying on about how sick I was of the incessant whining and, “You better shape up or you are just going to sit in your room in time out all day.” and “You are being a poor example to Andie.” (who by the way can throw a first class tantrum these days, body flailing, fake tears and screaming to boot.) Just when I thought he was completely checked out he looks at me real calm, raises his hand up near his head and while lowering them twice says “Easy. Easy.” What? I just started to laugh and gave him a big hug. It was too funny. I don’t know where he comes up with this stuff but it sure is funny.

And life doesn’t get much easier than eating a chocolate chip cookie while lounging on the dog.

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Drinking Coke Has its Benifits

My husband drinks Coke, so that means I get magazines!

 We use the redemption codes and order me good reads. If you aren’t using your soda codes you are totally missing out man. I love magazines but hate clutter so they come in and go out no lingering here, that is why I have this little baby.

This was actually only “invented” a couple of months ago when I decided to see what my real taste was in all aspects of life. So I save up clippings of pictures that have home decor design I like and recipes that look good then put them in here.


 With the recipes they stay in the front pocket til I try them, then if they are good enough I put them in a sheet protector. Don’t tell anyone but sometimes I rip the recipes out of public magazines in the doctors office and at other appointments. Like that yummy lemon blueberry tart one, I had to fold it up and slip in my pocket to conceal it. Wow that is totally stealing, but it didn’t quite feel like stealing at the time.

 

Yes I know there is a thing called “Pinterest” for things like this, however, I don’t want to go hunting all over the internet to find pictures of the same thing that just showed up on my door step, ugh that seems arduous. So instead I opt for the old school three-ring binder method. 

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Crying Over Mowing

Andie and I meandered outside the other evening and saw my mother-in-law Valarie mowing the lawn. They bought this mower a couple of months ago and I have not really cared about it, I have had no desire to get outside and mow or to take a try on it just for the fun it. But that night I did, I thought,”Man I really want to learn to drive that thing, I can’t believe that I have let this experience pass me by.” Then I got all choked up, feeling excited over something as simple as learning to use the riding mower is such a foreign feeling to me lately that I felt so much happiness, hope and gratitude for the feelings of excitement, learning and hard work. Yup, I can sure be dorky sometimes but man I just wish I could just take you all into my body and feel the before and after, it is nuts.

Mowing the lawn with that thing is pretty fun and sort of relaxing. I feel super awesome adding a new skill to my repertoire.

Anyone else learned a new skill lately?

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Father’s Day in the Hood

That guy right there is my Ky Ky. I think last year on his birthday or on Father’s Day I wrote something mushy about him on my personal blog and he didn’t really like it (you know me talking him up in public and all). So I will make this years tribute to my man less mushy.

Kyle,
Yo always up in here putting my threads through the ringer. You be buggin with the churinn. Never wasting paper on that bling and ice cuz yo know your boo straight up. Yo off the hinges always being easy about the books and the man. Friday night crunk’n to the beats is da’ bomb. You got me straight trippn’ boo.
Peace out,
H-dawg

Also I need help I am about to crazy up on blogger cuz every time I try to load a picture that is “portrait” you know longer vertical it changes it to be landscape and smooshes it all up! Any help here would be great, thanks.

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Shopping Mishap

Today I went grocery shopping, it took way longer than I planned, as usual. After shopping Andie and I headed out the car I put all the groceries in the trunk oh and for some odd reason I put my purse in there too. Yep real thinker here. Shut the trunk with keys in the purse. Ah dang! I had to run into the store, wait in line behind three people at the customer service desk to use the phone. All the while just thinking about my poor Dryers Vanilla Bean and Samoa ice creams sitting the trunk being baked in the 80 degree weather. Augggh. When it was finally my turn to make a request they gave me the phone and….I could not remember Kyle’s phone number. Curse the cell phone era, it is completely unnecessary for me to remember his number right? it is tucked away safely in my phone, which at the moment is tucked away safely in my trunk, ugh curse.  Using all of the brain capacity I could, miracuoulsy my fingers remember which numbers to press and he came to rescue us. After second dinner (11:00 p.m.) of flatbread crackers I dug into my icecream straight from the container, looks like no harm was done to my sweetie.

I totally had to eat way more of that than I wanted to to get a semi decent selfy. Also two years ago when we moved in with the in-laws I was so annoyed with their eating straight from the ice cream carton. Well I guess if you can’t beat ’em join ’em.

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It’s Like Waking Up


It’s like waking up.
For 20 months I have been living in this crazy fog, like legit crazy. Before the fog, I used to be that mom that was amazed at every little thing her kid did (have the pictures to prove it haha). I was freaking impressed with his character, behavior, and achievements, yeah he was only two. But man, I thought he was the coolest and cutest dude ever. I thought Ky and I were doing a bang job with him, and just knew he was going to be a perfect child. He was active, and happy, and just loved to be with us wherever we were. He slept great and signed words to us, legit communication. When we were with friends he was just cute and reserved, though energetic, but he would share and not cry or carry on if kids took his toys, once again yeah I get it, he was two. But man just my mental and emotional state towards him was so…..so….. well, healthy. 
Who couldn’t just love this to pieces?
Then a couple of things happened. Things that aren’t excuses but they did change me. We were having a lot of disappointments in our life, especially with my husband’s work efforts. Our supposed six month stay with the in-laws was turning into a two year stay. For new parents, new college graduates who were ready to get running with this whole “life” thang, our life was actually starting to feel sort of bleak. And to add to that we were both feeling very impressed that it was time to start trying for another child. I am blessed, I know I am, but I pretty much have a one hit wonder record with conception. Think the word pregnant and I am. But at the time another baby just seemed like another burden to bear. And man the first bit of pregnancy is not good to me.
I went from being the mom who loved playing toys with Kace, singing songs and reading little books to the mom who was passed out for most of the day while he watched tv. So much TV! 
Things carried on like this for my entire pregnancy. All the while Kyle and I were emotionally haggard through what we viewed the great disappointment in life, not getting a job right out of college in your line of work and living the dream, on your own. (this is sort of too emotional to write, ya know, putting out there the deep inadequacies you feel). Luckily a bright star broke through, after a rough bought Ky finally decided to go back to school for nursing, this is so the right thing to be doing for us too by the way. He is a rock star!
Things were looking up, hope and optimism were brimming on our horizon. Then came the aftershock of birth.
I was so unprepared, so ill-equipped for this. It makes me weep thinking about how low I fell; how far removed I was from that sweet, innocent, pretty much perfect little boy. I was a mess. I was emotionally void, if not for anger and frustration. The mom who used to think her kid was amazing became annoyed with his pleas for help and companionship. I could see his retrogression, the tantrums increased, the communication decreased. That is what breaks my heart. He is such a smart kid, like so smart. But my disconnect did something to him, something that is taking a really long time to “fix.” (I knew this would be hard to write). No one wants to feel like they broke their kid, but I pretty much do feel that way.
I know some people who were close to me could see the struggle, haha denial. I am sure a lot of people could. I am so blessed to have many angles in my life, people who care, who are friendly, and supportive. What seemed like such a depressing thing, to live your parents with two kids, turned out to be my saving grace. My mother-in-law helped me so much with the kids it is crazy.
Emotionally I knew the things going on inside of me weren’t really me, I knew the thoughts I was having and emotions I was feeling weren’t Heather. Or the Heather I wanted to be anyway, the Heather I was before. But I felt hopeless to change it. After multiple unhealthy thoughts I knew I needed to get help. I was so afraid of the effects of anti-depressants while nursing because from what I could tell much is unknown on the subject. And I value breastfeeding so much for the nutritional and emotional benefits that I didn’t want to give that up. My doctor felt that Andie and I would both be ok if I took anti-depressants while breastfeeding so I started to work my way onto Zoloft. But I was still so afraid of the unknown that I stopped. And maybe it was just knowing that if I was turning my back on this treatment then I needed to step it up hard core and work my way back to emotional healthfulness, but something changed. From that week on I could feel the old me breaking its way through. I know the chemical imbalances weren’t fixed from a couple of days on an anti-depressant, but I think that I gave myself some mental ultimatums that I could not let those thoughts in.
Things weren’t easy. It wasn’t an overnight fix. The woman who started this blog two months ago was still very much affected. By the way, I am not advocating not seeking help or using anti-depressants. In hind sight, actually now seeing how bad I was I wish I would have just did what was best for me and stayed on the medication and bottle fed. Just to reiterate I do not necessarily think my actions were the most healthy or correct approach to all this, but it is what I did.
Anyway it is now 10 months after I had our beautiful baby girl. And finally like in the past couple of weeks I feel like me. I feel whole. I feel happy. I feel completely invested and pleased with my children, not because they have changed dramatically but because my outlook on them, who they are, their behavior, and my relationship to them has changed. It is seriously like waking up. I feel like I have been lost, gone, checked out, asleep, for months, MONTHS, and finally I am back. Life is so good.
I can finally enjoy days with as much happiness and energy as these two. And love moments like this.

I know many of you don’t share my faith, but I do believe in a power from God. I know it is manifest through the priesthood handed down to worthy men, and I praise my Father in Heaven that my husband is counted among one of these men. And through the power of the priesthood I am able to be made whole. Yes, I believe in religious healing, actual physical healing, but that isn’t exactly what happened to me. Depression is real, it is chemically an imbalance in my body, I don’t think God stepped in and changed that for ME, but I do know that mentally my ability to cope with life has changed. I know that I have received power from heaven to rise above the dark hole I was swimming in. Sorry if this hard to follow, it is a really hard concept/emotion/state of being, to explain.
The way I feel now is so different, I feel so happy and alive. And most importantly the way I view my children is so beautiful. I sit and look at them and feel that feeling of love I had the first moment I held them. That awe at the miracle they are, the hope they embody, their joys are my joys, their learning is my learning, their pain is my pain. Finally being back and being a part of it all breaks my heart for what I missed but I the gratitude I have for how I feel now is so immense. 
Please, I feel like it can’t be said enough, post-partum depression is real. There are real chemical imbalances that cause women to feel depressed after pregnancy. I know God has the power to heal us, but often he does not. We have trials for a reason, to grow and to learn. I believe we have to help ourselves and part of that in our modern day is the ability to use modern medicine and therapies. There is medical help out there and there is no shame in using it. Sometimes you can’t pray a sickness away. And I know I am lucky, I only had a brief encounter with depression, it was only a burden I had to bear for ten months, I am by no means the authority on this and don’t claim to be. All that I understand is my situation and I do not mean to project my feelings or what I felt helped me overcome this trial onto anyone else who is suffering from depression of any form.    
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I’m Gonna Pop Some Tags

My mother-in-law recently found a show that we absolutely LOVE, Flea Market Flip. Teams compete to find items at a flea market then re-do them and sell them for a profit. Today was my first day going to my farmers market and flea market since I found this show, and you know I had to go check out all of the non-food vendors. Discovering my home decor style is something that I really want to do. You know how people say you should surround yourself with things that make you happy? Well I want to do that, I want to start collecting things that really make me happy. Lucky me, I found this cool antique folding chair that I love.

It was priced at $14 but, I hope you know, you never pay what it is priced for. I haggle for anything and everything. So I said, “The folding chair up there, can we work on the price? I have $10 of birthday money in my pocket, but really want that chair.” Without a word the man walked to chair took the price tag off, folded it up and handed to me! SCORE!

Give Yourself a Break

Oh man I was a blubbering baby in church last week. Sometimes I have a habit of being rough on myself. Oh yeah you too? Seriously this mommy thing is tough and I sometimes think “I am such a crapy parent!” For instance, after speech therapy when I am trying my best not to bawl because the therapist is handing me lists of things my kid needs to work on and I can not for the life of me figure out how I didn’t teach my child to answer simple questions like “What is it?” without repeating “What is it?” Weird right? Of course I know it isn’t all just me and my parenting and it is partially just Kacey-roo and who he is. Or when I loose my temper too easily because Kacen is just screaming and screaming. But anyway yeah sometimes I am pretty tough on myself and doubt my skillz.

So back to church a woman mentioned that when difficult situations happen with her children and she is not quite sure what the answer is she reminds herself that God has sent these children to her for a purpose, they are supposed to be hers and she doesn’t need to worry too much but trust more in that knowledge.

Then we read the following quote:

So be kind regarding human frailty—your own as well as that of those who serve with you in a Church led by volunteer, mortal men and women. Except in the case of His only perfect Begotten Son, imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. That must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it. So should we. And when you see imperfection, remember that the limitation is not in the divinity of the work. As one gifted writer has suggested, when the infinite fulness is poured forth, it is not the oil’s fault if there is some loss because finite vessels can’t quite contain it all. Those finite vessels include you and me, so be patient and kind and forgiving.

-Jeffery R. Holland

 And here is how I heard it

So be kind regarding human frailty—your own as well as Kacen’s. Except in the case of His only perfect Begotten Son, imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. That must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it. So should we. And when you see imperfection, remember that the limitation is not in the divinity of the work of being as a mama. As one gifted writer has suggested, when the infinite fulness of motherhood is poured forth, it is not the oil’s fault if there is some loss because finite vessels can’t quite contain it all. Those finite vessels include me, so be patient and kind and forgiving. To yourself and your skill-z and to Kacen and his frailty and fits.

Yeah it was just what I needed to hear.