Category: funnies


Happier Than a Heather in a Doughnut Shop

I love doughnuts! Ky has learned over the years that I would prefer a dozen doughnuts to a dozen flowers any day. If you were to eat donuts from a box of donuts that I have bought it is quite likely that you would find a little note like the one below, written on the box.

I have a tendency of eating my doughnuts via dissection. So if you want to share a variety box of donuts with me, and I am paying, be ready for “Heather’s Doughnut Rules.” The rules are simple and goes as follows, you may not eat a whole doughnut, you might be able to eat most of one if I have already tasted it and determined that I do not like it. I do have some doughnut buying rationale, if I know I am buying for a crowd and my sole intention is to share with others not to gratify my own delights, I will buy only 3-4 varieties of doughnuts, that way I know I will be able to eat one of each and not feel left out of tasting something. So there ya go. I’m a freak! Haha but I is what I is.


Eye Exam

Dude, the eye doctor is the worst!
The dentist, I love the dentist, I actually go to the dentist as if it is the spa, I can sit there eyes closed, relaxing as my teeth are cleaned. No need to give answers, they look at the x-ray and fix the problems. The eye doctor is the most horrible of all selective procedures I endure. 
It is the examination of a life time.
You feel at every question that there is some right or wrong answer, but who really knows the answer?
And the people who work there must really get a kick out of their job, they make you do silly things like cover each eye and then sit there squinting with all your might to read the smallest type you can, missing like five letters in the process but trying to give the best guess you can because you don’t want to fail this exam after all. Then they have you remove your contacts and walk you around their building when you can see next to nothing, just to take you into a room where they blow in your eyes and tell you click the clicker when you see squiggling lines. I have two rambunctious kids I get hit in the head 20 times a day I nearly always see squiggly lines in my vision.
I have a mini panic attack each time I am asked “is one better or is two better?” Then you feel like a crazy person asking to see each again, and again and again because quite honestly you can’t really tell the difference. Then comes the eye drops. “We just want to dilate your eyes. “ They say. “Just a little sting.” She warns. “Just let that numb your eyeballs, so the real medicine won’t hurt!” She assures! All the time you sit there whimpering and wiping yellow liquid from your eyes.
After all is said and done, your eyes looks like some creepy carnivorous  animal ready to attack and are as sensitive as all get out, they send you out to look for glasses frames that look good on you. How can you possibly make such a selection after your mind has been badgered and your complexion is splotchy and your eyes are oozing yellow dye?
But I do have to say, it is not very often that I remove my glasses or contacts in an unfamiliar place, when I did I realized how poor my eyesight was, and what a miracle it is that there is such advanced technology that can correct my vision so I can see the world clearly. That is a blessing.   
I decided to go back at a later day to pick the frames, I was in no state of mind to make such a decision, but hopefully I can decide on something soon, Andie seems to have walked off with one pair and bent my other so severely that they were unable to repair them. Oh she is just adorable.

What Makes Me Laugh

Every time I read this I bust up laughing. Hopefully it makes you laugh too.

How to Prepare for Nursing

Forget that old advice about “gently rubbing your nipples with a towel.” If you really want to feel ready to breastfeed, here’s what to do.
Day 1: Gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.
Day 2: At bedtime, set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. Each time it rings, spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped in a pair of chip clips.
Day 3: Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing“I Feel Pretty.”
Day 4: Open your already-crowded freezer and make room for five dozen plastic milk bags.
Day 5: Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one breast and set on “medium pile.” Turn off vacuum when nipple is three inches long. Switch breasts.
Day 6: Obtain “DO NOT CROSS” tape from your local police station, then wrap firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it, say, “Get used to it.”
Day 7: Tape a water balloon to each breast and squeeze into a maternity bra. Repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.
Day 8: Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each nipple.
Day 9: Record your mother proclaiming, “Just give the baby some cereal like God intended, and she’ll sleep right through the night.” Play in an endless loop at 1 A.M., 3 A.M., and 5 A.M.
Day 10: Slather your breasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed, and stand very still in your backyard.
Day 11: Go someplace public — a museum, a courthouse, the steps of your office building — and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. Use the doll’s arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Lower shirt. Feign nonchalant smile.
Day 12: Suckle a wolverine. Congratulations! You are now ready to nurse a baby. Maybe.

Melissa Balmain, a freelance writer living in Blacksburg, Virginia, is a two-baby nursing veteran.
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Take it Easy

Kacen stood next to the bed half listening to my rebuke of his behavior. I was carrying on about how sick I was of the incessant whining and, “You better shape up or you are just going to sit in your room in time out all day.” and “You are being a poor example to Andie.” (who by the way can throw a first class tantrum these days, body flailing, fake tears and screaming to boot.) Just when I thought he was completely checked out he looks at me real calm, raises his hand up near his head and while lowering them twice says “Easy. Easy.” What? I just started to laugh and gave him a big hug. It was too funny. I don’t know where he comes up with this stuff but it sure is funny.

And life doesn’t get much easier than eating a chocolate chip cookie while lounging on the dog.


Crying Over Mowing

Andie and I meandered outside the other evening and saw my mother-in-law Valarie mowing the lawn. They bought this mower a couple of months ago and I have not really cared about it, I have had no desire to get outside and mow or to take a try on it just for the fun it. But that night I did, I thought,”Man I really want to learn to drive that thing, I can’t believe that I have let this experience pass me by.” Then I got all choked up, feeling excited over something as simple as learning to use the riding mower is such a foreign feeling to me lately that I felt so much happiness, hope and gratitude for the feelings of excitement, learning and hard work. Yup, I can sure be dorky sometimes but man I just wish I could just take you all into my body and feel the before and after, it is nuts.

Mowing the lawn with that thing is pretty fun and sort of relaxing. I feel super awesome adding a new skill to my repertoire.

Anyone else learned a new skill lately?


Shopping Mishap

Today I went grocery shopping, it took way longer than I planned, as usual. After shopping Andie and I headed out the car I put all the groceries in the trunk oh and for some odd reason I put my purse in there too. Yep real thinker here. Shut the trunk with keys in the purse. Ah dang! I had to run into the store, wait in line behind three people at the customer service desk to use the phone. All the while just thinking about my poor Dryers Vanilla Bean and Samoa ice creams sitting the trunk being baked in the 80 degree weather. Augggh. When it was finally my turn to make a request they gave me the phone and….I could not remember Kyle’s phone number. Curse the cell phone era, it is completely unnecessary for me to remember his number right? it is tucked away safely in my phone, which at the moment is tucked away safely in my trunk, ugh curse.  Using all of the brain capacity I could, miracuoulsy my fingers remember which numbers to press and he came to rescue us. After second dinner (11:00 p.m.) of flatbread crackers I dug into my icecream straight from the container, looks like no harm was done to my sweetie.

I totally had to eat way more of that than I wanted to to get a semi decent selfy. Also two years ago when we moved in with the in-laws I was so annoyed with their eating straight from the ice cream carton. Well I guess if you can’t beat ’em join ’em.